Date Rape and Healing

I think it is something all girls must be aware of. (This is told from the perspective from when it happened to me.). I have posted before but believe it cannot be told enough. Someone just might need it.

Hi! I was so excited! I met this boy at school and he is actually older than me! I am 15 and in the 10th grade and honestly have really never had a boyfriend at all. I guess I have always just been too quiet and shy. I hate that about myself, but what are you going to do? This guy is a senior and I am just so happy!

He has been calling me and now he is saying he wants us to go to the county fair. My mom and dad will not let me date until I am 16 so I will have to sneak out. I will just tell them I am going to a friend’s house to stay all night. I know that is terrible but they just don’t get it. I mean all my friends are dating and I don’t know what the big deal is anyway. The fair was great and we did make out and he did give me this hicky and so I had to wear turtle necks to hide that from mom and dad! It was HUGE! My mom did end up seeing it and well that was not a good event.

Ok….so now he wants to take me to our homecoming dance! I just cannot believe it! I keep playing it over in my mind trying to think if I heard him wrong, but that is what he said. I don’t know how I will get a dress or how I will tell mom. I know, I am not supposed to even be dating and so how could I possibly get a dress for this dance? Well, I guess I will figure out something………..

Well a couple of weeks went by and we have been talking on the phone and stuff and seeing him at school and I think he mentioned the dance one more time. I just don’t know. Maybe he figures that he said it once and needs not to say it again. I want to ask about it and talk to him about it but…feel to stupid. I guess it is the shy problem I have again. 😦

Today at school he came up to me and wanted me to leave school with him. I have NEVER skipped school or left school before but he said it would just be for a couple of hours. I was scared to go, I mean leave from school but I did not want him to think I was a baby or something. (1st mistake, I should have done what my gut said but instead I began a trend that would end up being a lifetime thing. Trying to please everyone but myself.)

I really did not know where we were going or doing. I figured just hang out or something. He kept driving and driving and we were going way out-of-town. We ended up out and his house.

I felt odd but not going to say anything. Then he takes me to his room. I thought maybe we were just going to make out again. He was kissing me and on top of me. I did not mention that I weigh about 105 pounds and he is about 195 pounds. A jock.

I don’t know, things started getting out of control so fast. Next thing I knew he was trying to get my pants off.
I fought as hard as I could.
I pushed and screamed.
Oh how it felt like I screamed so LOUD! Now I question myself…was it screaming on the inside? No, I know I screamed loud.
I beat him in the back with my fists and told him to STOP!
I wanted to die.
I remember turning my head to the side and tears streamed down my face.

I lost that battle. He did what he wanted. My 105 lb’s could not do anything to his large frame. It was over fast. It was awful. I was so hurt. I had friends that had sex but I never had and certainly did not think it would be like this. I always thought I would be married. I mean he was the first guy I ever really kissed. We get back in his truck and are on the way back to school. I remember thinking “well, maybe that is how it is for everyone at first.” Could it get any worse? He still has not mentioned the dance. Surly we are going to the dance, I mean after this. Then as if it was not bad enough…he looked at me and said, “hey, I have a friend that would love to go out with you.” Are you KIDDING ME? It was like being raped ALL over again! Oh God, I just wanted to get to school. I wanted to disappear from that truck. I felt so used like a piece of garbage. NONE OF IT WAS REAL..HE NEVER LIKED ME…HE NEVER INTENDED ON TAKING ME TO A DANCE… I could not shake the feeling that everyone could see that I have had sex. At school, in the store, the cashier, anyone who looked at me seemed like they were seeing the filth on me. The filth that I let happen to me. Time went by and I never spoke to him again, not that he tried to talk to me. I told one friend…just one. I certainly could not tell my parents. I felt so ashamed. I thought when this happened it would be a forever thing.

AFTERMATH

I turned all of my anger inside. I did a 360 in who I was. I was no longer this shy, sweet and quiet girl. I was full of rage on the inside. I took on a hardened attitude. I began sleeping with guys I went out with because I figured why not…they will only take what they want so I might as well just give it to them. What did it matter now. I was no longer pure. I already had “I HAVE HAD SEX” written all over me. I was certain he went to school and told everyone.

How could one moment have changed my life so drastically?
One bad decision?
One choice.
I only wanted him to like me, to have a boyfriend. Someone to hold hands with and to walk me to a class or take me to a movie or a DANCE.

Now for the truth!

I do matter. I did things wrong but the one thing I want you to know IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. I said NO. NO means NO. I should not have felt ashamed, but I did. I could not tell anyone but I needed to. Holding all that in was not good. I am now a 48-year-old woman. If this is speaking to anyone else out there, to any young girl who might have already ended up here or who might be able to read this and keep it from happening by keeping yourself out of those danger zones then I want you to know that YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are God’s child. You are loved no matter what the enemy whispers in your ear. If a boy tells you that he will not go out with you again or that you are a baby if you don’t do what he says, then let me say to you….HE IS NOT WORTHY of your attention. Never allow someone to make you feel like you are not measuring up if you don’t. You really are better off because there will always be someone out there who will love you and who will respect you and who will want your best interest. YOU my dear ARE WORTH IT. YOU are worth the WAIT. If they don’t think so then you are the lucky one to find out now.

I ended up meeting a man (divorced now but that is not the point), and I was still in the same pattern of being a rebel. I ran away from home, I made my parents turn into drunks because I truly believe that I drove them to it. Now being a parent I understand that. You love your kids so much and they can literally rip your heart out. I know I have had that happen. I believe our Father in heaven gave me this new man at this time and I became pregnant and that began to change my life for the better. I had a long road ahead of me and I certainly do not suggest any young girl do what I did. I was so out of control that God was able to use this for my good. My first son was a blessing. I have many stories for the journey to follow the beginning of my story but those will be things I can share another time.

My main point is that DATE RAPE DOES HAPPEN! Girls, it happened 33 years ago to me. It was not called date rape. I don’t think it was called anything. If it got called anything it would have been my fault. I carried the guilt around for him and for me. I carried the shame. I carried the anger. Back then rape was thought of as a stranger came along and attacked me. Otherwise it was my fault. I asked for it. RIGHT? Is that not what we all fear? Is it the truth? NO it is not the truth. For years I hoped I would see this now older man in a restaurant eating dinner with a wife and kids. I swore (now that I had a voice, now that I was older and wiser and stronger and DID NOT CARE what he thought), I swore I would let him know what I thought of him. I would let everyone at every table near him know what I thought of him. I stopped feeling that way about 15 years ago. Thank God I have been able to finally let it go.

Finally love myself enough to know that without forgiving him I would not be free. YOU AGAIN ARE WORTH THAT TOO. You don’t need to carry that pain inside for years. You don’t have to carry it yourself. It happens. Love yourself enough to try to avoid those situations. If he does not respect you enough or “care about how you feel” then he is NOT, I repeat NOT the person you want in your life. I don’t hate him. I am thankful now for what happened. It is part of who God made me to be. I have an experience that I can share and maybe it will help just one other girl. Maybe a parent will notice a daughter having a different attitude and will be able to get her to talk. If just one girl can understand IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU HAVE NOTHING to be ashamed of. You can heal. You have to decide today to love yourself. Let God love you because He our Father in heaven STILL loves you and thinks no less of you. You have the ability to turn a negative into a positive. You have a testimony!

I have one verse for you today and that is…1 Thessalonians 5:18 In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

I know it sounds strange but I have taught myself to give thanks right in the middle of something bad happening. Thank Him and praise Him even if you giggle in the prayer and say “God, I feel pretty silly saying thank you for this but your word says to and so I am.” He is wise and you will one day have wisdom if you follow His word and ask Him for it. I don’t believe He would have said IN EVERYTHING give thanks unless he meant it. I do, I thank Him that he allowed me to get through this. He gave me His strength. He gave me the ability to take this and share it with others.

I love you all and pray this reaches someone who might need to hear these words. They have been heavy on my heart to share with girls everywhere. You can leave a comment and even an email address if you want to talk. God can help you to turn all things into something good. I hope this did not offend anyone.

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