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I am a 59 year old woman who completely believes that while he may not have pulled the trigger physically, he still pulled it. I know some of what she was going through, although not to the same level. I have been so drawn to this because my heart breaks for this would woman. A woman who loved Jesus with all she had. She also, I would argue, spent many years loving this man who was evil. He isn’t a lone wolf. There are many like him. Many people usually think they are the greatest people, looking from a distance. That was my case. I have been prone to depression most of my life. Not to a level that kept me from working and managing what I HAD TO and then spending my down time wondering what is wrong with me. In 1992, I was introduced to a man who seemed to be so wonderful. He was kind. He was so helpful. He listened to every word you said, and we would talk for hours. I was a beautiful 28 year old. I was kind, loving, and trusting. I had two little boys and dad not in the picture. No help with my boys in life nor financially. Separated and divorced about a year. My dad had just passed away at 59, and it was June 6th, 1992. It was a sudden unexpected death. My boys and I had been living in another state, which was a two day drive. I moved back to Arkansas for my mom. To try to be there for her. She had a hard time, and her and I had a hard relationship over the years. She was drinking heavily to try to numb the pain of losing my dad. We had an argument, and I took my boys to go get something to eat and give her and I some space. When we got home, mom had locked us out of the house. This is when we had nowhere to go. I lived away for several years, and now I didn’t have any real current relationships to turn to. I hadn’t been back that long and hadn’t found a job yet. This is when this kind man was certainly there to rescue me and my sons. He didn’t have to try to isolate me as most abusers do because I already had no one. My dad was gone, and my ex didn’t care about the kids and was not a part of our lives. My mom was struggling, and we had a strained relationship when she wasn’t, so it was way worse. We moved in with ‘Steve’. Of course, it was going to be temporary. Before moving in, we had only made out but hadn’t taken it to the next level. Of course, that changed. I had NEVER been around anyone who was abusive. Liers but not abusive. I had been a strong woman. I always had the opinion that if you were in a relationship with an abusive person, then leave. 😕 Yes, I would be humbled. I learned it isn’t usually possible to just leave. In a short period of time, maybe a month. He was sharpening a hunting knife. I remember sitting on this low to the ground bench. No back on it. I was sitting with one leg on each side and talking to him while he sharpened th knife. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he was over me, had pushed me into a laying on the bench position, and actually held the knife to my throat. I am pretty sure I didn’t react in the way normal people would expect. It seems odd to me as well. My mind was racing, and in my head, I thought, “Are you kidding me?” Is this actually happening right now? (See, I had been with lovers. Everyone I picked was a complete loser. My first boyfriend in high school raped me. My first husband got another woman pregnant while we were married, and you got the picture.) So, my mind had a hard time understanding what was happening. After thinking R U KIDDING me, I began laughing. I suppose because I was actually in shock, in disbelief. He got off me shortly after that insane moment. He apologized and then used the opportunity to go to the next level. He held me in his arms and told me a secret of a magnitude that would make you either run or draw closer. He shared that he was a recovering alcoholic and battled with it, and he had drank some vodka, which is why he went out of his mind. It all surprised me. We never drank or partied. We were like a family. I loved his mom, his dad, and his grandma. When he shared his struggle, he said he knew he could beat this and just needed a good woman by his side to help him. (Me..me..me, please). We had started going to church, and his mom would often meet us there. He was very outgoing, and I was more shy, quiet, I had to warm up to people. His family was very God centered, and he was raised that way. He knew the ropes. My family hadn’t been. I believed and went to church when really young if my aunt took me at Easter, but that was about it. He and I would sit and study the Bible together and just talk, and when it was good, it was very good. I would later come to learn from the battered women’s shelter that these good times are called Honeymoon phases . After they do the unforgivable (knife or something), they beg forgiveness tell you it won’t happen again profess undying love and then woo you with another cycle of honeymoon phase. I did get jobs but needed something so I could support my boys and myself. Steve couldn’t keep a job. His mom paid for his house. She paid for his sports car. She even is the one who purchased this amazing engagement ring for him to propose. He had been an adopted baby because his mom was not able to get pregnant. Explain why she paid for everything. The control he had over me is difficult to explain. We were on the couch one afternoon. I was looking at a magazine and he was watching car races or something that I wasn’t interested in. He badgered me and degraded me until I realized he’s he’s not kidding, and I better put the magazine down and get interested in what he was watching. Doesn’t sound like much, but when you combine it all, this was one more thing I didn’t control in the simplest form. The ability to sit next to him and look at a magazine while he watched TV. Things were making me a nervous wreck. Emotional abuse was horrible. He would get something in his head and discuss it until 2 or 3 am. OFTEN. So I would then go to work exhausted. I certainly didn’t argue but tried to agree so I could sleep. Often, he treated me like a slave while he watched to be sure things were correct. Held scissors to my throat one day while we had guests in the living room. I went to work with bruises on my throat more times than I could count. Then, one night, while he had been gone and drinking and snow was heavy and I couldn’t get my car out, we were stuck expecting a fun evening. When he got back, I did whatever he told me. He had these coveralls on bc he had been outside in the cold and snow. As it approached 11pm, he had me sitting on the floor with my back against the couch and my legs straight out in front of me. He sat on my legs and was facing me and pulled out one of his many guns. He held it to the side of my head. I was at the point I didn’t care, I was drained. He kept saying he could kill me (I couldn’t tell you why, no idea, but he had been drinking). Finally, I just said, “Do it.” Just do it. It’s now midnight, and someone was banging on the door? Rarely does ANYONE come over and certainly not at night. His drunk buddy came over with some cabinetry we cough use in the wood stove bc we were out of wood. Earlier, Steve had removed his coveralls, and they were lying on the floor. When the person arrived, he slid the gun under the coveralls on the floor. He then made me go outside and remove the broken cabinets from the truck and bring it all inside. When I was finished, he had passed out. I grabbed the gun, removed the bullets, and stashed the gun somewhere. The next day, he told me I was crazy and ha didn’t do it. Finally, one night, he called, and I could tell he was drinking and he was about to head home. I told my oldest son to hurry and grab things for him and his brother. Some clothes, a few small toys toothbrushes, necessities. I was in the middle of giving my 4 year old a bath. I remember we were frantic. I told him to stop messing around. Steve is about home. He hurried, dunked his head under, and we got the shampoo out. We grabbed our bags my 10 year old had put together, and we ran to my car as fast as possible. My aunt let us stay one night. I went to a childhood friends house the next day. I was expecting to have to go to the women’s shelter, but that was the last resort. I stayed there until we saved and got an apartment. After leaving him is when everything really got worse. He would call the apartment , and the machine would p/up. He would ramble on and on about our love and when I would answer he would suddenly turn and start cussing a d telling me how horrible I was and how no one would ever want me and on and on. He would just show up at a McDonald’s and sit on my side of the booth and slide my rear down. He would smile and act like all was good. Sheriff dept went to serve papers on him right after I first left so we could go to court so I could get permission to get the rest of our clothes, my few pieces of furniture and toys. Originally, I was told it would be weeks before a hearing. When the deputy walked past his car going to his door, he saw several guns in the back seat. He had different handguns and rifles. He had one that was like a machine gun. He had been out the night before driving around looking for me. He would call my friends house where we stayed until we got apt. Sheriff dept called me the next day and said to be at Steve’s on Saturday with the ability to take all my personal items. Deputies will be there. (Due to the guns, they escalated this and decided I didn’t need to go to a hearing first.) He stalked me (even when he had girlfriends) driving by my home. After the apartment, I was able to buy my first home. Had my phone number unlisted so he wouldn’t know where we were. He did. He must have followed me from work one day. I filed police reports for everything. Probably 2.5 years later, it stopped. One Friday after work, I came home, and the water was shut off. I had paid, so why? They turned it on and said to call the office Monday and ask why. Monday, they said I had called and asked for it to be shut off because I was moving. I said I didn’t call a d am not moving. She said, “Do you want the forwarding address we were given to send your final bill to?” 😊 it was Steve’s address. I called electric a d gas companies after and they had the sa.e but just couldn’t get to me on Friday. Filed another police report. The next and last thing was that I received a piece of mail about info regarding vasectomy. On the envelope in the TO: was handwritten…his first and last name and my address. I didn’t open it but called the police for another report. (Yes, that was really odd) A few days later, I received a call from the prosecutor. He had received info on the last police report. He said he knows who he is bc he went to high school with his kids. He told me he was going to call him and tell him that he had better not see ONE MORE report of him coming around me or doing anything to me toward me. He better stay away and leave me alone, or he would have him in his office so fast his head would spin. As far as I am aware, he left me alone after that, or he at least didn’t bring attention to himself. I didn’t tell you a lot of other stuff. He tried to use God as a way to manipulate me, too. His mother did, too. That’s hard. Mica was married to a pastor, so I am sure he was a master manipulator when it comes to God a d the word of God. They know that is one thing you feel so strongly about, and you don’t want the Lord God to think you stopped having faith! I was thankful that my faith and belief grew during that part of my life, and I now know God. Because of Steve, I had no one to turn to, BUT God. I a. I am thankful for that. It’s good to come out of it. For the first year after I left, he was relentless. Yes, it crossed my mind that it often felt like it would be easier to just go back. Thankfully, I didn’t. I had 2 little boys counting on me, and so even though I battled depression I had to keep praying and moving forward. I understand Mika and the fear that was consuming. He even had the ability to force her into ‘hospitals’ against her will. Take her car. He had her life in his hands. He’s the pastor. Everyone loves him and believes him. No one sees or hears or knows what’s going on behind the scenes. I felt like that, and Steve wasn’t a pastor. Mika was trying to move ahead and keep believing. Giving positive messages to others. Making plans. All are good things. There are some days I just cry and don’t get out of bed. Mica appears to have had dark days where doing what she did seemed like the only option. We don’t know yet what things he was saying to her, written or verbally. He CRUSHED HER. Maybe she felt that taking her life empowered her instead of ending up giving him the power to take her life. I don’t know, but my heart breaks for her and grieves with her family, and yet I never met her. I hope her family can find peace. Maybe just by knowing she isn’t in the pain of him tormenting her. No one should judge her. I learned the JUST LEAVE opinion I had before meeting Steve wasn’t that easily done
On the Edge Again 
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